One Neat Thing a Day

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  • Who is us?

    Sean Daily is an English major from New Jersey now living in Las Vegas, the Other City of Lights. "I consider 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' to be comfort reading, I like the al pastor tacos at Tacos Mexico and I count among my literary influences the Chainsaw from 'Doom'. 'RRRRRR! You don't like that, do you, Mr. Undead Marine! RRRRRR!'"

    Shanoah Alkire is our Discordian at large. "Born in Santa Cruz, I grew up in Grass Valley and the Bay Area, and now lurk in Las Vegas. My literary influences include Ray Bradbury, Lewis Carroll, and Douglas Adams. I also program as a hobby, and currently maintain the Gtk port of Angband. You can find a rather old bio of me here."

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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

3-21-10 Cyriak and Sarah Brown – Meow

Posted by Sean on March 21, 2010

You can go have brain damage if you want, Shanoah. But if I’ve got to be a braineater, I’m gonna do the shambling undead abomination thing. That’s right, I’m gonna be a zombie.

A kitty zombie.

And I shall lead the Kitty Zombie Apocalypse.

Music by Cyriak. Art by Sarah Brown. Pay music download here.

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Posted in cats, FREAKIN' ME OUT MAN, From Sean, Funny, I Tunes Not U Tunes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

3-20-10 Misfits – Braineaters

Posted by Sean on March 20, 2010

Let’s see here. We’ve gone from mothers to mother love to mother *ucking on this blog. You realize it’s only a matter of time before we turn into crazy incestuous hillbilly cannibals with a talent for killing hot college girls in highly creative ways. Yep, I’ve seen the movies. We’re going to turn into braineaters.

Courtesy of JackrabbitMcGee, who is officially, forever and for aye, a Misfits fan. Anyone can take some video editing software and marry their favorite anime to their favorite song. But when you animate your own video for a song, even if it’s just rough pencils… well, my friend, you have indeed proven your dedication to your band, and it’s the kind of dedication that makes suicide vests possible.

Posted in AMV, From Sean, Funny, I Tunes Not U Tunes | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

3-15-10 Lemon Demon – The Ultimate Showdown

Posted by Sean on March 15, 2010

Be careful, Shanoah. A crack comparing the Navy to bloodthirsty Vikings comes dangerously close to not Supporting Our Troops™.  And you don’t want Cobra Commander I mean the terrorists to win the Eternal War on Terror and Evil, now do you? Why, the forces of niceness and goodness and democracy and puppy dogs are locked in combat mortal with the forces of badness and not democracy and guys with beards [1] and voting Democratic! Don’t you get it!

IT’S THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN!

OF ULTIMATE DESTINY!

Courtesy of Albino Black Sheep (site here).

Do not mess with Mister Rogers, man. Guy was a SEAL. Read it in an e-mail somewhere. Dude will fuck you up.

Admit it. You would pay money to see The Ultimate Showdown adapted into a big-ticket summer blockbuster. Why, it’d be like a Joel Schumacher “re-imagining” of The Wizard of Oz! “Good guys, bad guys and explosions, oh my!”

Song by Lemon Demon AKA Neil Cicierega. Animation by AltF4 AKA Shawn Vulliez. Lyrics and free MP3 here. Oooooo, a veritable flood of goodies! Just like when my toilet overflows, only not as stinky!

[1] Which puts me squarely in the corner of evil. For some reason, I’m okay with that.

Posted in free stuff, From Sean, Funny, I Tunes Not U Tunes, Islamocommunifeminihomofascists | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

3-10-10 The Jolly Rogers – One for the Road

Posted by Sean on March 10, 2010

Awright! Back to themeless themes and drunken staggers through pop culture! Yay! And what better for a drunken stagger than one for the road?

This is a post that’s a long time in coming. Shanoah tried posting The Jolly Rogers’ One for the Road almost a year ago, but all YouTube had of this song were RenFaire captures in glorious Cell-Phone-O-Vision with thundering 4K audio.

Enter oakleafwolf, to whom I’m eternally grateful. This isn’t nearly the whole song. It goes on for six choruses. That’s a lot of booze.

Sing along! But keep in mind that if you ever did drink everything mentioned in this song in one sitting, you’d be dead. Or a Kennedy.

Full lyrics below the fold, courtesy of the Jolly Rogers here.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in From Sean, Funny, I Tunes Not U Tunes | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

3-9-10 Why I Will Never Ever Ever EVER Be Able to Take the Tea Party Seriously

Posted by Sean on March 9, 2010

Me, too, Shanoah. I, too, am politicked out. Still, I gots enough juice left in me to share this one little tidbit: why I will never be able to take Tea Party seriously.

As you know, many media outlets often refer to members of the  Tea Party movement as Tea Baggers, which of course instantly brings to my mind this scene from John Waters’ Pecker [1] (starring a criminally underemployed Eddie Furlong, by the way).

Not Work Safe, just because it’s John Waters. Courtesy of nessthing.

Jesus, that’s scary, ain’t it? It’s almost as good as the job the Republicans did for the word “liberal” – almost.

[1] Which should tell you something about my mind.

Posted in fnord, From Sean, Funny, Not Work Safe, Politics and Other Things In Which I'm Not Qualified | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

3-4-10 Satan/Beelzebub: Why Vote for the Lesser of Two Evils?

Posted by Sean on March 4, 2010

Neither do I, Shanoah. I will never regret voting against Jesus/Mary McCain/Palin.

Problem is, that’s a lot of what my vote for Obama was. I stumped for the guy, I voted for the guy, but in the end my vote was largely a vote to keep John “Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran” McCain and Sarah “I’m a Yooper Even Though I’m From Alaska, You Betcha!” Palin out of the White House, not a vote to put Obama in it.

Fourteen months in and, even with majorities in both Houses, Obama hasn’t done a whole lot that impresses me. True, a lot of it was picking up the pieces from Bush and, quite frankly, a year of nothing is a refreshing change from eight years of Jesus-Christ-that-idiot-did-what-now. Still, all the changey hopey stuff that we heard about during his campaign is starting to turn into a whole lot of the same old thing.

You’re not supposed to hold your nose when you go to the polls. Maybe that’s what you have to expect, but it’s not what you’re supposed to expect.

I may be asking too much of the American voting system, though. I mean, the only candidate that I wouldn’t have serious reservations about voting for is me, and you don’t want me to be president. These would be just a few of the policies during my remarkably brief administration, which would end either in military junta or armed rebellion. [1]

  • I would replace the expensive, pointless, unethical and boring War on Terror with a War on People Named Ralph.
  • I would make Spock my science advisor and get very cranky when I’m told that he’s a fictional character.
  • I would demand that the Vatican make me Pope and then let them know, with a subtle use of nuclear weapons, what will happen if I am not made Pope.
  • I would invite Osama bin Laden and Rush Limbaugh to fight it out in a Texas steel cage death match (“Two fascist extremist ideologies enter, one fascist extremist ideology leaves.”). Sarah Palin would be the between-rounds card girl. [2]
  • I would replace the National Anthem with the Misfits’ Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight.
  • I would make Jedi the national religion and then use my mad Force choke skeelz on anyone who even mentions “separation of church and state”.
  • I would replace the F-22 Raptor fighter jet with Veritechs and get very cranky when I’m told that they’re fictional, too.
  • I would balance the federal budget by selling Arkansas… that is, if anyone would even buy it.
  • I would replace standardized tests in our schools with “Hentai or Not Hentai?”.
  • I would frantically summon my cabinet to my SitRep Room at 3:30 a.m., then pull out a copy of Left Behind and, with a voice slurred into incomprehensibility by cheap gin, yell, “My God, have any of you read this shit?”
  • And if I don’t have a SitRep Room then dammit I’ll make a SitRep Room. It will be very Wii-intensive.
  • My bank bailouts would consist of bailing bank officials out of a plane at 50,000 feet. I might even give them parachutes.
  • My Middle East policy would consist of burning a million tons of chronic in the West Bank, then airlifting in 10 million pizzas and two million XBoxes.
  • All Americans would be forced to adopt fake Indian names. Mine would be Runs Naked Through the Woods.
  • Anyone, and I mean anyone, who tries to make more courtroom porn like Law & Order or forensics porn like CSI will earn himself a come to Jesus with the new U. S. Attorney General, Jigsaw from the Saw movies.
  • And yes, I will get very cranky when I hear that Jigsaw is also a fictional character.
  • The national language would be Huttese. Ho ho ho ho…

Barring that, I guess I could vote for these guys. Having them in charge would rawk.

Courtesy of pipes90.

[1] Dave Barry much?

[2] Try and get that image out of your mind.

Posted in From Sean, Funny, Happy Media, Politics and Other Things In Which I'm Not Qualified | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

2-27-10 The Secret, Sordid Life of Daniel Cady Eaton

Posted by Sean on February 27, 2010

We interrupt your bat-turned-Batman-turned-goth theme for that blog staple, the work rant.

I work at a company that sells historic documents. Of course, their definition of “historic documents” may differ from yours. Your idea of historic documents may include the Magna Charta and the Constitution of the United States. For my employer, it’s nudie photos signed by Playmates of the Month and baseball cards of players whose entire major league career was three games with the Boston Browns Braves.

Anyway, part of my job is transcribing old letters onto our Web site; that way, customers can read them and decide if they want to buy them or not. On Wednesday, I was transcribing some letters from the 19th century botanist Daniel Cady Eaton, when I came across a paragraph that floored me. It’s so wondrous, I’m not even sure if it’s real. I reproduce it below for your edification and elucidation:

Last evening I brought her three little red lady-apples, and she was perfectly delighted with them. This morning, while with the nurse she ate half of one of them, and bit into another before the nurse knew it. At noon when Carrie & were with her I gave her the bitten apple to play with. At first she offered to bite into it, and I told her ‘No! No! Baby may play with the apple, but not eat it.’ And the dear child played with it half an hour, and never offered to bite it again. (emphasis mine)

History records that Eaton later bought his daughter a puppy and then butchered it right in front of her, and that his daughter grew up to be Ann Coulter.

You have to wonder what else was going on in Eaton’s life, what else you might discover if just took the time to read between the lines.

And since I had a lot of letters of his to transcribe…

Take this other letter from Eaton:

Today Carrie (his wife) & I have been to see a Poultry show- & were much interested- I saw some Light Brahma’s rather larger than mine, but no hens handsomer than one or two of those you brought us- the cocks were rather ahead of mine-

To which I wanted to add: “That’s our life. Poultry shows. Non-stop action and adventure and poultry shows. I was much interested, but I don’t think Carrie was. She spent the whole show out behind the tent taking long pulls from the flask that she’s been carrying in her purse lately, muttering about stretch marks and twenty years of marriage down the tubes and crying. Her loss. Those Light Brahmas were AWESOME. Carrie did seem much interested in the cocks, though, or at least she kept reminding me of how their cocks were rather ahead of mine. I wonder why.”

My dear Father, I am very glad you are well and happy, and regret that Mother has had a series of headaches –

“Carrie has had a series of headaches, too – every single damned night since that poultry show. I wouldn’t complain except that it was over two years ago. In other news, we’ve hired a pool service. Things have gotten a little weird around the house since then. Carrie insists on greeting the pool boy in a black lace teddy and garter belts, then tells me we’re low on milk and shoves me out the door. Also, we don’t have a pool. But it does give me more time to go to poultry shows.”

(T)he all-white cock lost his head this morning in an endeavor to dull the edge of a hatchet

“The heft of the axe… The power of life and death over a helpless animal… The pleading look in the chicken’s dark eye… Then the flat sound of the axe hitting wood! The feel of the blade slicing through vertebrae! The red, the glorious red of the blood! The death throes of the chicken fading, fading, fading… gone… Oh Gooooooood…”

Bessy (his daughter) found a little compass today, & I had to tell her all about it, & she understood enough to tell the servants that it was to find ones way with on the ocean ,& that it pointed to the North Star ‘that stays, while the other stars all go round & round & round & round’.

“I also told Bessy that demons made the needle point at the North Star and that if she wasn’t a good girl they’d come out late one night and rip her liver out of her chest and eat it and then swing her sorry little carcass round & round & round & round before dragging her screaming down to Hell. God, I love doing that. That was even better than the shit I pulled with the apples. The fees for little Bessy’s electroshock therapy and the bribes to keep the servants from reporting me to Family Services are killing us but, still, good times.

Nelly has declined Carrie’s invitation to visit her, saying that she is too sad to see any one- I really feel very anxious about Nelly; she seems to make no effort to control her feelings, &may find herself at last unable to do so.

“Just because she saw her entire family killed in a freak combine accident yesterday doesn’t mean she can mope around like a sad sack and feel sorry for herself. Little ingrate. In other news, Carrie is divorcing me and marrying a test pilot. He benches 350 pounds, speaks seven languages without an accent and wrestles tigers for fun. But I’ll bet his hens aren’t handsomer than mine.”

Many thanks for getting one the postal currency; it is almost impossible to get any but the raggedest and dirtyest [sic] sort here-

“The money that I have… The things that I’ve done for that money, the terrible, horrible, unholy things that I’ve done for that money. I hesitate even to look at it, that greasy, slimy, FILTHY money. My hands are dirty so dirty and I make the water as hot as I can and I use that lye soap that raises blisters on my skin and I scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub but it doesn’t come off! IT NEVER COMES OFF! I can SEE the GERMS crawling on them! The air is thick with their noxious exhalations, like a fetid fog rolling in off a diseased swamp during a dead man’s moon! CONTAMINATED! I am contaminated! I! CAN! FEEL! THE GERMS! INSIDE ME! Crawling through my blood vessels! Dirtying my pristine bowels with their SATANIC filth! Wrapping their grasping, greedy, HUNGRY tentacles around my brain! My hot, sweaty, sticky BRAIN! How can Jesus allow a foul reeking putrid mucus-dripping slime-encrusted vomit-emitting soul as I in His holy sight! Surely he will cut me with his cruel cruel knife and then LAUGH at me! I CAN FEEL HIS RIGHTEOUS WRATH BURGEONING, SURGING, CRESTING INTO A SOUL-BLASTING, WORLD-ATOMIZING STORM OF CLEANSING FIRE! HIDE ME, FATHER! HIDE ME, MOTHER! HIDE ME, SWEET EARTH, FROM THE INESCAPABLE FURY, THE BURNING HATRED AND BLAZING RAGE OF THE LORD! Anyway, if you can get that money to me, that’d be great.”

In January I have 248 eggs – or 8 every day on an average- or from each laying hen ,(14 of them) 248/14 or 18 eggs in the month on an average

“I’ve been doing the same kinds of calculations with my toenail clippings ever since Carrie left me. And did you know that you can eat six live chickens before you have to throw up? Found that out last night. Boy, they won’t be letting me back into that poultry show any time soon.”

Posted in bulldada, FREAKIN' ME OUT MAN, From Sean, Funny | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

1-15-10 Simon’s Cat – Fly Guy

Posted by Sean on January 15, 2010

We continue our themeless theme today with another Simon’s Cat short (site here) by Simon Tofield: Fly Guy. Anyone who has or once had a cat can probably sympathize with poor Simon.

And if you think you’ve seen Simon’s Cat here before, perhaps you have.

And while we’re on the subject of egwegious wittle Bwitish kitty cuteness… here’s a bemusing little short featuring Cyriak Harris‘ cat entitled, appropriately enough, Meow Mix. Again, if you think you’ve heard that name here before… again, perhaps you have.

Posted in cats, Funny, Happy Media, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

12-25-09 Nat King Cole via Paul Rayment – The Christmas Song

Posted by Sean on December 25, 2009

Well, Shanoah, I know exactly what I want to post today. I’ve been saving this one for a while. Parents may want to watch this before they consider substituting their kids’ first-round draft pick gifts for socks.

Song by Nat King Cole and animation by Paul Rayment (site here). And if you think you’ve seen his animation on this blog before… perhaps you have.

Posted in From Sean, Funny, I Tunes Not U Tunes | Tagged: , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

12-24-09 Christmas Eve, or “You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid”

Posted by Sean on December 24, 2009

It’s Christmas eve, which means all the good little Christian boys and girls are eagerly awaiting Santa Claus, and the all the good little non-Christian boys and girls are eagerly awaiting getting squat this year. Many of the good little non-Christian boys and girls are also poor and going to go to hell when they die, I hear.

But, hey, that’s what you get for worshipping the wrong god, kids.

Speaking of Santa Claus… unless I miss my guess, TNT is going to be having their “24 Hours of A Christmas Story” marathon tomorrow. Now, I like A Christmas Story. However, 24 hours of anything can you sick of it real fast.

And that’s a shame, because A Christmas Story is possibly the best anti-Christmas movie made until Bad Santa. Parts of it are very sweet, but other parts…

Well, just check out Ralphie’s magical visit to Santa.

Courtesy of CQblogger.

Posted in From Sean, Funny, Happy Media | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »