3-4-10 Satan/Beelzebub: Why Vote for the Lesser of Two Evils?
Posted by Sean on March 4, 2010
Neither do I, Shanoah. I will never regret voting against Jesus/Mary McCain/Palin.
Problem is, that’s a lot of what my vote for Obama was. I stumped for the guy, I voted for the guy, but in the end my vote was largely a vote to keep John “Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran” McCain and Sarah “I’m a Yooper Even Though I’m From Alaska, You Betcha!” Palin out of the White House, not a vote to put Obama in it.
Fourteen months in and, even with majorities in both Houses, Obama hasn’t done a whole lot that impresses me. True, a lot of it was picking up the pieces from Bush and, quite frankly, a year of nothing is a refreshing change from eight years of Jesus-Christ-that-idiot-did-what-now. Still, all the changey hopey stuff that we heard about during his campaign is starting to turn into a whole lot of the same old thing.
You’re not supposed to hold your nose when you go to the polls. Maybe that’s what you have to expect, but it’s not what you’re supposed to expect.
I may be asking too much of the American voting system, though. I mean, the only candidate that I wouldn’t have serious reservations about voting for is me, and you don’t want me to be president. These would be just a few of the policies during my remarkably brief administration, which would end either in military junta or armed rebellion. 
- I would replace the expensive, pointless, unethical and boring War on Terror with a War on People Named Ralph.
- I would make Spock my science advisor and get very cranky when I’m told that he’s a fictional character.
- I would demand that the Vatican make me Pope and then let them know, with a subtle use of nuclear weapons, what will happen if I am not made Pope.
- I would invite Osama bin Laden and Rush Limbaugh to fight it out in a Texas steel cage death match (“Two fascist extremist ideologies enter, one fascist extremist ideology leaves.”). Sarah Palin would be the between-rounds card girl. 
- I would replace the National Anthem with the Misfits’ Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight.
- I would make Jedi the national religion and then use my mad Force choke skeelz on anyone who even mentions “separation of church and state”.
- I would replace the F-22 Raptor fighter jet with Veritechs and get very cranky when I’m told that they’re fictional, too.
- I would balance the federal budget by selling Arkansas… that is, if anyone would even buy it.
- I would replace standardized tests in our schools with “Hentai or Not Hentai?”.
- I would frantically summon my cabinet to my SitRep Room at 3:30 a.m., then pull out a copy of Left Behind and, with a voice slurred into incomprehensibility by cheap gin, yell, “My God, have any of you read this shit?”
- And if I don’t have a SitRep Room then dammit I’ll make a SitRep Room. It will be very Wii-intensive.
- My bank bailouts would consist of bailing bank officials out of a plane at 50,000 feet. I might even give them parachutes.
- My Middle East policy would consist of burning a million tons of chronic in the West Bank, then airlifting in 10 million pizzas and two million XBoxes.
- All Americans would be forced to adopt fake Indian names. Mine would be Runs Naked Through the Woods.
- Anyone, and I mean anyone, who tries to make more courtroom porn like Law & Order or forensics porn like CSI will earn himself a come to Jesus with the new U. S. Attorney General, Jigsaw from the Saw movies.
- And yes, I will get very cranky when I hear that Jigsaw is also a fictional character.
- The national language would be Huttese. Ho ho ho ho…
Barring that, I guess I could vote for these guys. Having them in charge would rawk.
Courtesy of pipes90.
 Dave Barry much?
 Try and get that image out of your mind.