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    Sean Daily is an English major from New Jersey now living in Las Vegas, the Other City of Lights. "I consider 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' to be comfort reading, I like the al pastor tacos at Tacos Mexico and I count among my literary influences the Chainsaw from 'Doom'. 'RRRRRR! You don't like that, do you, Mr. Undead Marine! RRRRRR!'"

    Shanoah Alkire is our Discordian at large. "Born in Santa Cruz, I grew up in Grass Valley and the Bay Area, and now lurk in Las Vegas. My literary influences include Ray Bradbury, Lewis Carroll, and Douglas Adams. I also program as a hobby, and currently maintain the Gtk port of Angband. You can find a rather old bio of me here."

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8-5-08 Silly Season – Obama and McCain just got pwned… by Paris Hilton

Posted by Sean on August 5, 2008

You know, Shanoah, I hate to say this, but I may have to re-evaluate my unreasoning hatred of Paris Hilton, or at least of Paris Hilton lookalikes. You know, maybe temper it to just wildly insane hatred. [1]

Why? Have I gone insane? No more than usual. The reasons begin with this attack ad that John McCain put out (as if he’s put out any other kind lately) that includes blink-and-you’ll-miss-them footage of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

Courtesy of gangshabi.

It is such an innocuous commercial and, as James Wolcott points out, actually paints McCain in a bad light. Obama is young and energetic in this ad, speaking to and supported by millions, a new day Martin Luther King, Jr. McCain, on the other hand, looks like he’s an inmate at the Happy Haze Retirement Home, blissfully looking forward the stewed prunes that they serve at dinner every Thursday.

But pundits are simple creatures. They feel they have, not only the right to express their opinions, but the burning necessity to, as well. And so there has been the usual handwringing over this ad and the usual handwringing over the handwringing over this ad. It’s an election ad and an election year, and you have to expect that.

However, no one’s considered the silent victims: Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. No one’s considered them because a) they’re not victims and probably deserve whatever they get, b) we could only hope that they were silent, or at least that people would ignore them, c) the less you consider them, the better and d) they don’t seem to mind when photographers from People all but shove their telephoto lenses up their vulvas, so who cares?

Apparently Mama Hilton did. She posted this on Huffington Post two days ago:

I’ve been asked again and again for my response to the now infamous McCain celebrity ad. I actually have three responses. It is a complete waste of the money John McCain’s contributors have donated to his campaign. It is a complete waste of the country’s time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs. And it is a completely frivolous way to choose the next President of the United States.

Now, I think Kathy Hilton should be more concerned about her daughter’s vagina being loose enough to smuggle Mexicans or about that expression on Paris’ face – a horrifying combination of predatory and vegetative – than whether her daughter’s likeness is used, and briefly, in an advertising campaign. But, hey, better late than never with the parental concern thing. She’s trying, at least, to protect her dimwitted daughter.

Except, damn, maybe Paris (or her handler) isn’t as dimwitted as I thought she was, because she teamed up with director producer Chris Henchy and utterly pwned down McCain.

Her response is the first ad in (blurgh) The Paris Hilton Presidential Campaign, posted at the site Funny Or Die. Unfortunately Funny Or Die embedding isn’t compatitible with WordPress and someone’s taking the copies down from YouTube as fast as they can be put up. So all I can do is post a link to it here:

Now, someone claimed on the Funny Or Die boards that this wasn’t Hilton, and I got to admit that he (or she) has a point. I mean, this Paris Hilton has synaptic activity, can string together her thoughts into a coherent whole and has a glimmer of intelligence, or at least self-awareness, behind those squinty eyes.

But whether it’s Hilton or a brain double, I don’t care. Hilton’s done what Obama should have been doing from the beginning: making McCain look like an idiot… and not just that, but an out-of-touch, clueless and above all old (“that wrinkly white-haired guy” who comes from “olden times” and is “like super old… old enough to remember when dancing was a sin and beer was served in a bucket”) idiot.

McCain and his cohorts are playing dirty. It started with the e-mails about Barack Hussein Osama I mean Obama not saluting the flag and it’s morphed into Obama’s “arrogance” (meaning: he’s an uppity nigger) and his supposed God complex. (Don’t believe me? Listen to Glenn Greenwald; he’s smart. Hell, even the New York Times has noticed it!) You have to hit back against that.

But you have to hit back right. You don’t go low. If you go low, then no one can tell the difference between you and your enemy, something that few Gitmo supporters have failed to grasp. But laughter is healing and revealing, and it has a wonderful way of deflating the high and mighty.

What you do is give the audience a two-fer. You give them a joke that reveals the attack ads for what they are: not substantive debate, but a dishonest dodge. (Sugar the medicine. It goes down easier) You tear those attack ads down, and you reveal your opponent for what he is: nothing but attack ads, nothing but vitriol and foaming hatred, nothing but a bitter old man, possibly qualified to be a senator but in no way qualified to hold the highest office in the most powerful country in the world during one of the most dangerous times in human history… worthy of laughter and maybe pity, but not respect.

(And if Obama even considers using this self-important armchair general bullshit, he’s in even deeper trouble than I thought)

In short, you make him look like an idiot. And making McCain look like an idiot is not hard. In fact, it’s so easy that even Paris Hilton can do it.

And you know what the best part is? People love this video. There’s a good chance that this thing can go viral, and if it does, McCain might as well pack it in. I mean, how do you respond… to Paris Hilton?

Not like he hasn’t tried. McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds popped up, appropriately enough, on the entertainment site TMZ under the headline “McCain: Paris Is My Energizer Bunny” (thank you HuffPo):

In the unkindest cut of all, McCain’s spokesperson Tucker Bounds tells TMZ that on the subject of energy, Paris is deeper than Barack. He says, “Sounds like Paris is taking the ‘All of the Above’ energy approach that John McCain has advocated — both alternatives and drilling. Perhaps the reality is that Paris has a more substantive energy plan than Barack Obama.”

Before I continue… “Paris Is My Energizer Bunny”? Oh my Lady, that goes down paths and into places I just do not want to go.

Okay, down to business. First of all, McCain, responding to Party Hardy Hilton is like debating Bozo the Clown on the Mideast. Even if you win, you lose.

Second, this was a parody. A joke. A goof. A prank. Paris Hilton isn’t running for president and she doesn’t have an energy policy, but you’re debating her like she does. Not only are you clueless, but you lack a sense of humor, too. And if there’s one thing presidents need to stay sane, it’s a sense of humor.

And third, even though she doesn’t have an energy policy, she actually has good ideas, in broad strokes. And her ideas do sound better than Obama’s. But… and here’s the damning bit… they also sound better than yours.

This is not a fight you can win, brave warrior. Paris has painted you in a corner as effectively as you’ve painted Obama in a corner. The only difference is that Paris is supposed to be brain-dead, which makes you…?

This is why, Obama, I say that Paris Hilton not only pwned McCain. She pwned you, too. It turns out that the brainless party girl, the STD-ridden slut that everyone likes to hate on, has more savvy and self-respect than you. The question, of course, is whether you learn from this. I suggest hiring Dennis Leary and the writers for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, but pronto. Bush’s cronies started swiftboating John Kerry f’reals about this time in 2004, and look what happened to Kerry.

[1] Gott dammerung, I actually let that, what, woman? girl? “before” photo in an ad for a syphilis cure? into my blog. Excuse me. I have to go flagellate myself and tie on a hairshirt to atone.

2 Responses to “8-5-08 Silly Season – Obama and McCain just got pwned… by Paris Hilton”

  1. […] 8-5-08 Silly Season – Obama and McCain just got pwned… by Paris Hilton […]

  2. […] 8-5-08 Silly Season – Obama and McCain just got pwned… by Paris Hilton […]

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